I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Drake has all the answers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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