3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
