Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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