I hate your face
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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