Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
