I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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