It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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