then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
