just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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