Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
