he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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