I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
