last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
