I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
