can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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