I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
