He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
