i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
