just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
