Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
