Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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