apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
