I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
