the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
