speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
