Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
