i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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