I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
