Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
