so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
