I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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