Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize