You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
