Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
