Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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