We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
