Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
