I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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