Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
