So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
