he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Randomize
