Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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