my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
