Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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