Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
