i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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