The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So squirting runs in the family.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
