i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
