I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
