so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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