if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
