I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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