its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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