i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
