Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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