My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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