My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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