it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
