In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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