I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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