after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
