Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
