well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
