It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
